let those demons be ours
by missMHO
Summary: /stucky/ "Whenever a thing is done for the first time, it releases a little demon." Emily Dickinson


Written as a part of Stucky Week (coordinated by _fcstevebucky_ on tumblr).

WARNING: Contains links to events from "Captain America: The Winter Soldier".

Not beta'd. My first stucky fic, be gentle.

* * *

It's not the first time Bucky sees him, but this time he decides to wave off his friends and let them play without their main attacker. He plays ball almost everyday, he can do something else once in a while. Like accost that blond boy. He's just intriguing in his inconspicuousness and Bucky is a curious child.

The boy is in his usual corner of the yard. He looks even smaller like this, kneeling on the ground, hunched over something that takes so much of his focus. Bucky approaches him slowly, trying to see what the blond boy is busy with. He does not expect for the blond to twitch nervously once he hears Bucky coming closer. The blond looks at him over his shoulder and there's anticipation in those blue eyes, like he's waiting for a blow. It makes Bucky angry that somehow this is the default reaction of the boy for anyone approaching. Though, then he also notices there's actually no fear there and he becomes even more intrigued.

"Hello," Bucky says and the blond looks at him suspiciously.

"Hello," the boy replies but it sounds almost like a question. It's then that Bucky finally is able to take a look at what is the blond working on - it's a drawing in chalk depicting a group of kids playing soccer.

"Wow, that's cool," Bucky says with total honesty and kneels next to the blond to take a better look. "You drew it all by yourself?"

"Yeah, I like drawing things," the blond boy shrugs but Bucky sees that his blue eyes are now more open.

"I'm Bucky," he extends his hand.

"Steve," the boy says but looks doubtfully at his own hands, all covered in chalk. Bucky shakes it anyway. It's the first time he sees Steve smile.

ж

They've been friends for years and been through a lot, like really _a lot_. They went side by side through the deaths of their parents, they got into fights, they grew up (though Steve not much physically) and matured (mostly Steve), got infatuated with girls (mostly Bucky) and went together to be enlisted to the army (and then Bucky accompanied Steve all those times when the blond didn't get approved).

They've known each other for what seems like forever so it almost takes Bucky aback when there's something _new. _They sit by the river bench in the middle of the night, empty bottles of beer surrounding them as they 'celebrated' yet another of Steve's failure at enlisting, and for the first time Bucky feels like leaning closer to his best friend and kissing the smile on those pale lips. He moves a little closer to the thin silhouette containing the bravest person he's ever known but does nothing beside that. And he knows he'll never do. He won't risk losing their friendship. And even if Steve somehow shared his desires- Well, Bucky can't fool himself. Steve won't get enlisted and Bucky is basically one foot on the front line of war. It's already hard enough to think about being apart.

But the longing stays, wondering how it would feel, how different would it be from those girls he tries to fill his life with...

It's probably the first time he truly denies himself something that's right within his grasp.

ж

The first time he kisses a man is in the army. The war makes them all desperate for the warmth of another body, but once he tries to drown the solitude in alcohol and mouth of another soldier, he realizes how much he misses Steve and almost backs out. But then, there's nothing better waiting for him so he tries to enjoy the messy handjob and do not think about how this ridiculously feels like cheating on his best friend he'll probably never see again.

ж

He almost accepted death at this point. His whole division is in the hands of the enemy and they all know there would be no support troops coming for them. And he's strapped to a bed in some kind of parody of experimental lab, so _yeah_, it's high time to accept the fact that his demise is closer and closer. He tries not to think about all those things he regrets- but then, he's got a lot of time on his hands in this dark laboratory.

He's _sure_ he's dreaming again, because Steve is now only a memory and a lot of remorse to swallow and that's why it takes him a minute to realise he's actually awake and someone is shaking him. And he must have died sometime in between because it _is_ Steve and he's looking at him with those worried blue eyes.

"I thought you were dead," Steve says with relief and works on unstrapping Bucky from the bed.

"I thought you were smaller," Bucky replies and that's not really what he wanted to say, but hey, Steve looks like an army poster boy and that's _impossible_.

And Steve takes him into his arms to steady him on his feet in this very moment Bucky wants to stay within those ridiculous, irrational, unbelievable, strong arms.

Later in the camp they are still alive and it is all_ real. _It's the first time since he joined the front that Bucky allows himself to hope for plans for after the war.

ж

The first time he sees Steve and Peggy talking, Bucky comes to terms with the fact that he's _jealous_. And not in the way he would once anticipate, he's not jealous about not being in the centre of attention of the girl, _no_. He's not jealous that Steve steals girls that could be his. Bucky wishes it would be this easy.

Steve is now popular, he's Captain America and thanks to the changes that serum brought, everyone noticed how amazing human being Steve Rogers is. And Bucky has to admit he _is jealous_. Because for so many years Steve was _his_, Bucky was the only one who saw how beautiful this little blond boy really was. But now he has to share and he doesn't like that... He always knew he's not a man as good as Steve is, but maybe he thought he's a bit better than _that_.

But he isn't. So he leaves Peggy and Steve to enjoy the evening with a false smile on his face (and hates himself for the latter).

ж

The mission verges on suicidal and they all know it. But it's war, it's what they have to do. It's their responsibility. This is what they have enlisted for.

But for the first time Bucky wants to postpone _everything_. He sits alone in his quarters and asks the non-existent deities to make him believe in all those solemn aims again. Because he doesn't want to die now. He wants more time with Steve. Yes, he's selfish like that now.

And it's almost like those deities actually hear him because few minutes later Steve himself enters his room and Bucky knows he's going to follow that man wherever he leads, no matter the cause.

"Where did you lose your lady?" Bucky accosts and he doesn't really want to talk about Peggy now but maybe this is his way of punishing himself.

"Peggy's not 'my lady', Buck. We're friends."

Bucky shrugs at the response and Steve sits down next to him. "You left early, that's not like you," Steve observes. "Are you okay?"

"Don't worry about me," Bucky smiles at him, putting one hand on the blond's shoulder. "I'm sure Captain America has bigger worries than a pouting sergeant."

"Bucky, stop it," Steve says and Bucky hates the honest worry in his eyes. "I can see something bothers you."

Bucky sighs. Steve knows him too well, Bucky's aware he won't deceive him with any stalling. And to be honest, he's tired of the longing. So he takes a leap.

The hand on Steve's shoulder moves to the back of his neck and in the next second Bucky closes the distance between them and joins their lips. Steve takes a sharp intake of breath at first and comes to a complete standstill. Bucky savours the short moment, the softness of Steve's lips, daring just the slightest brush of a tongue and then starts to withdraw, reluctantly. He wants this to last and he's not sure he's ready to face the consequences but he can't- And just then Steve lets out a soft sound of frustration, his hands suddenly bury themselves in the other soldier's hair and his lips start moving against Bucky's. For the next minutes they do not discuss this turn in their relationship but rather focus on exploring each other's mouth. And Bucky's really not sure how it happens that he ends up straddling Steve who is actually lying down on his bed now but he's not going to protest about that at all. He's also not going to complain about how the serum changed Steve physically, because though Bucky already loved him long before that happened, he can't deny he adores the feeling of those muscles and how they tremble under his touch and those huge hands exploring his own body.

Far later, when they are exhausted but sated and happy (and naked but for their dog tags), they make ridiculous plans for after the war. And Bucky for the first time in his life confesses his love to fast asleep Steve and promises himself he's going to tell him that when he actually _is_ awake, just after this mission.

ж

There is no _after the mission_ and soon Bucky forgets he made any promises to himself. Soon Bucky forgets himself.

ж

Winter Soldier does not hesitate and always delivers death upon his targets.

But this man, his mission for now, he calls him a weird name with fond familiarity and Winter Soldier cannot pull the trigger right away. That's unacceptable.

He disappears before his target's backup arrives and he can't stop thinking about the mission. The man calling him as if he knew him.

He did know the man, didn't he?

And he shouldn't have asked this question out loud. He shouldn't have let anyone know… It is not the first time he _forgets_ and the weapon is handed to him and a name put on his list.

ж

"I'm your friend."

"You are my mission."

It is not the first time he tries to remember but it hurts as much at every attempt.

ж

He sees his own face in a _museum_ and it's the first time in an indeterminate time that he truly believes his own mind.

ж

He has no right to be here. He's no longer the Winter Soldier, but he also does not deserve his once lost name. He does not deserve what that name brings with itself.

He has no right to be here but for the first time he gives in to the desire to go.

And of course Steve notices him. (But maybe he wanted just that. Because he can't fool himself, he can stay in the shadows when he wants, he can stay out of sight, even out of Captain America's sight.)

"Bucky?" Steve asks and there's so much hope in those blue eyes. He does not deserve it.

He nods as if he's not sure himself, but _oh_, how he wants to be Steve's Bucky once again.

When Steve takes him into his arms it for the first time in forever that he feels at _home_.


End file.
